How did one even sleep at night before discovering that Tori Spelling had sex with two of her 90210 co-stars?
Like, 20-odd years ago?
One of them was Brian Austin Green! OMG! The guy who’s getting divorced from Megan Fox!!!
The other might be either Jason Priestley or Luke Perry! It’s a huge mystery that won’t be uncovered until tonight’s TV Lifetime Special – Celebrity Lie Detector!
Celebrity Lie Detector! Yes! It’s a thing!
And here is where Reality TV has taken us, good people — to a new Dark Ages.
A lie detector is the deciding factor in whether or not a British reality TV star is really a cokehead prostitute! It’s the referee when we need the truth about Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson and their tawdry affairs, reports People.
It’s the new equalizer in the fame sweepstakes, the instrument that will bring back attention to the D-listed, the castoff, the nonentity former famous!
And it’s so exciting!
The polygraph isn’t actually new to reality TV, but it’s nice to see it being reinvented and recycled. The basic problem with reality TV is the need to keep upping the ante, much like pornography; the two are related, obviously.
You always need something new and inventive. And preferably forbidden.
Tori Spelling’s TV shows may be in decline, her mom feud is history, her parasitical reality TV star cheatin’ toxic dump of a hubby has lost his awesome repulsion factor and nasty burns apparently don’t cut much ice.
So what’s a girl to do?
Go on TV and blather about old affairs, of course. If Spelling can just come up with something truly appalling — a hitherto secret *** movie role with a co-star named Rover, maybe — she’ll have a lock on audience attention for a good month.
Of course, sadly, then she’ll have to start all over again.
That’s how it works.
Reality TV means you get to watch all the Duggars go to church and never kiss or touch their lifetime fiances until — presto! — more Duggar babies and grandbabies suddenly appear on the cover of People Magazine.
When things get boring on 19 Kids And Counting, although it’s hard to imagine why anyone would tire of hearing from idiots whose religion involves litters of children and the total oppression of women, something had to be done.
And that something was Josh Duggar. In a family where looking sideways at another woman means eternal damnation, Josh was a Godsend, you should pardon the expression. The publicity over one unassuming pervert! Astounding.
And if you’re thinking it backfired because the Duggars are history on TV, think again. Jessa and Jill will be back on very important TV Specials. Ka-ching!
We personally blame the Kardashians for all of this, of course, although you have to admire an empire that starts with a sex tape and then actually gets worse. We’ve seen it all with the fabulous Kardashians — births, deaths, gender rebirth, weddings, divorces, close-ups of everyone’s, ah, publics. Or whatever ‘privates’ are called these days.
There’s no end to what you can find out about Real Wives of one city or another: drinks, drugs, fisticuffs, robbery, poor housekeeping skills.
Now that the lowlife is at the centre of society, Teen Mom or 16 And Pregnant no longer have the power to thrill; there will have to be some alteration in that programming, and we think we know what it’s going to be. If there’s going to be a school shooting every week in America, it won’t be long before it’s all televised.
Oh, don’t pretend you didn’t already think of that. The new thrills have to come from somewhere.
Look at Donald Trump! He got lots of attention on The Apprentice until he didn’t, and then the show got reinvented as Celebrity Apprentice, and then Trump had to make do insulting people and exaggerating his net worth.
The comb-over was an attention magnet for a while, admittedly.
When all else failed, he decided to run for President. It’s kind of genius. The publicity has been spectacular, and if by some fluke he wins, then the American people will once again get the government they deserve.
Here’s the bottom line, people: You can view all the Kardashian placenta you like, but ‘President Donald Trump’ is how the story ends.